needs ketchup
In my psuedo delusional preoccupations with romance, I have developed a crush.

Only, I don't want a crush.
I don't want one at all.

I'd much rather have a boyfriend. 

Days and Dreams get melty in the middle.
Today was odd. The days in general, odd.
There seem to be definite disconnects between moments.
A break, like a skip, or scene change even.
A life made up of many realities.
All true, all very real.

Or maybe it's just the meds.

Stoked is how I feel about going off of them.

I don't really remember the last time I felt truly rested.
It's a blurry memory. A nice, fuzzy, blurry memory.

Summertime Beauty Tips
One of the modern miracles of the world. Beauty products.

Especially hair products. 
Dry shampoo, for one. 
I'm not gonna lie, the hippy in me loves taking a break from bathing. 
Leave-In Conditioner, for another. 
It just seems kinda ridiculous to overly bathe in the summertime. I mean, think of the water we could be saving. 
Sea-Salt Spray. 
Go swimming. (No chlorine, please). Sun and air dried hair is just beachy. 
Facical cleansing wipes. 
Be resourceful. Sponge baths are sometimes more refreshing than showers. And you can do them anywhere. 
Rose water. 
If you're the classy type. 
Moistruizer with SPF. 
Be nice to your skin, your hair, your body. 

God, I'm bored. 
I was doing the dishes, and I broke a plate. 
How negative is that? 
Instead of, like, 
"Oh, I did the dishes, yay!"
There's this looming broken plate fixation raining on my parade.

Fuck that. 
It was probably the one that was cracked anyway.

Jamba Jules
This is what I'm talking about. 
I'm depressed. 
It's hard to tell, because I feel good about it,
Thank you pharmaceuticals. 
But sure enough, when I look at my actions, 
They say, "Hulk Sad"

I figure I've been here enough, might as well make up a "How to Continue being Depressed when You're Depressed" List,
You know, to keep shit in check and whatnot.

1. Eat the majority of your food past the hour of 3PM. 
This means, skipping breakfast, tea, water, everything until after noon. After it gets dark.
Eat lots for midnight snack. Make sure the food you eat is crap. 

2. Don't even try to limit smoking. Just suck 'em back.
Chain smoke. Same goes for other vices. Alcohol, weed, etc. 

3. Stop writing, entirely. No writing. Probably no reading either for that matter.
Movies are okay. But only because they require less brain function than taking a shit. 

4. Frown a lot. At everyone. 

5. If frowning at everyone doesn't appeal to you, isolate yourself so you don't have to talk to, look at, interact with, anyone. 
I like, tree houses, holing up in my car late at night, driving down to the farm and kicking it in the RV.
The spaces that are the most cocoon like are usually the most effective for this technique. 

6. Do not, and I mean, DO NOT WHATEVER YOU DO, take your dog for walks down to the lake to play twice daily. That's just a recipe for happy right there. Totally counterintuitive to continuing being depressed. 

7. Interpret any and all messages coming at you from friends/family/people that care/etc as potential attacks on your character, life choices, you in general, and respond as such. Nothing like taking your own self loathing out on people you care about just because they care more about you than you care about yourself at the moment. 

8. Sleep all day. When ever you feel like it. Get sleepy? Take a nap. Get sad? Take a nap. Eat something? Take a nap. Have goals or plans you wanted to act on at some point in time today? Take a nap. It's quite effective. Nothing gets done, you feel unproductive, sweet sweet depression. 

9. Become addicted to Facebook. This really requires no further comment, huh. 

10. Ignore everything you want to do. And pay attention to everything you don't want to do. 
Soon your heart will sleep until you're ready to listen to it again. While the heart sleeps, usually one finds oneself in a state of sadness, inexplicable. Zombie state, unable to make decisions, unable to conjure excitement for any potential idea, lack of desire to do...anything, that might just might require energy. BINGO. That's what we're looking for. 

There it is.
Yes, with these 10 easy steps, you too can be depressed. 

Next list: "How to correctly peel and cut a banana"
Can't wait.

Net, flicks.
I'm learning there are ways, if I pay attention enough,
to turn the wheel. 

Maybe I've always known how.
Maybe it's the steering I'm now just figuring out. 

I should really be making more of an effort to write daily. 

A lot has kinda been going on the past couple weeks. 
Like a light shining through a roller coaster. 
There's so much stillness from the middle. 

I don't really want to talk about any of it. Not necessarily just because I can't remember a whole lot about it at the moment. 
But, I'm over it. 

I suppose, when someone opens up a conversation with, "You know, I hated you when I first met you."
A strong foundation for friendship there probably will not be.
Except, I laughed. 
Laughter is the best medicine. 
Rids you of all evil's

I'd say I burned a few bridges this week. 
Some are only partially burned. 
On average, I'd say about 3.5
That's okay though, 
Cut off a branch, new roots will grow. 

I've been feeling pulled in a slightly different direction for a while now. 
I want to substitute the word, "called," for, "pulled"
But I'm not sure if that's quite right. 

Had a couple revelations this past weekend. 
I think it's really sad that there are those who would begrudge a younger generation for not knowing, not understanding, the horrors of (x,y,z) their generation, youth, experience, etc.
I mean....
Isn't that kinda the point?
Learning from those mistakes.
To ensure a better future.
--There's so much more I could say about that, but they're just pictures at the moment.-- 

Or is it all about the there and then, 
Who did, or didn't do what when. 

Telling someone that "You just don't understand"
Really just shows a lack of understanding on your own part. 
And a deliberate intention of continuing to defend your own incredibly fallible belief system.
(Defend your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours')

I don't understand that kind of fear and hatred. Contrary to what others' may believe, I have no desire to understand, either. 

Compassion requires not understanding. 
Just breathing. 

And I require chocolate ice cream. 

Mad Weekend
I trudged down the hill on the backside of the dam on saturday morning. 

Within the hour, I discovered that we have nettles on that hill. 
By then, the ankles had decided to swell up to twice their size and light on fire. 

Speaking of fire, my dream just ended with most people in a restaurant/church/cult/gathering place thing getting blown up because the gas stove was on, but not ignited, when someone went to light a cigarette. And then I was under sticks. And sometime before someone had a bunny rabbit....there was swing dancing...

Relationships are funny things. Somedays you think you have them figured out.
Ultimately though, Ian is right. 

"I've never had a bad day in my life"
Amen, brother. 
Me too.

Dear Rick:
Every time I read my horoscope it's like you're talking right to me. 


Seriously though, horoscope's been kinda dead on lately, 
And sometimes I'm curious if it's just because I made coffee for the guy who writes them every day for more than a year, and I let him touch my leg when I had my holy pants on. Scandalous. 

Today, he advises I waste some time. 
I think I can handle that. 
Hank and I just went for a walk, I played some guitar, I'm about to eat breakfast, 
It's raining.

Please, Lord, Give me something to do today. 
I promise I'll not let my ego get in the way.


Oh. I almost forgot:
I really want to polish my fingernails. 

But not right now. 
Right now I want to go to bed. 

Frozen Delicacies
I had something brilliant to share. 
I was writing it in my head whilst driving home. 


I ate three popsicles this evening. 
I cut lilac blossoms off the tree and delivered them to boys,
that always makes me giggle.

We bought a truck today. 
It is a 1992 Dodge Dakota 4x4 
It is Red on Red (none of that maroon bullshit)
It has a canopy
And to be quite honest, I'm pretty stoked. 
We've never had a truck before.
It should make some things considerably easier. 
Like hauling dirt, manure, rocks, furniture, the trailer, trash out of the farm--if it ever gets to that, which btw I surely hope so
Oh, and camping. It would be a good one for camping. 

I think I will name it Ruby Tuesday.
I will discuss this with her tomorrow. 

In other news.
I have a big scrape on my back that was not caused by a rug.
The title of that story is called, "Why you let the guys dive under the truck to retrieve the beer pong balls."
It's a goodun, I'm glad I got my tetanus shot a few months back. 
(Ahahahah, I just shared this story with the bro, he said, "that's what you get....k(c)arma")
Will my back ever heal? Or will it always look kinda like a war zone. 
I don't care. I bought a bright yellow bikini for summer. 

I've been practicing comebacks in my head. I've got some good ones stored up. 
I got told I was on fire this evening, I was full of the one-two and then sucker punch, 
No.2 reason why I enjoy hanging out with the guys. 

My favorite went a little something like this:
Eh, I'm not going to actually type it out, 
The punch line is now Mike is paranoid that every time he changes his sheets, Travis comes in a blows a load all over them. 

When I read it like that, it's more vulgar than funny
But I assure you, if you were there, it would have been much more funny than vulgar.
Okay fine. 
I will offer explanation, 
Mike changed the water in his fish tank and then whines about the sea urchin (Gretchen), who seems to spawn/spooge/spew semen all over the clean tank. 
There, that's a much better set up for the clean sheets thought train. 

None of this is as good as what I came up with while driving home. 

I've been really good about holding back on reaching out to dear watson. 
I almost sent him my phone number today. I didn't.
Now I really want to send him an email. I don't think I'm going to do that either. 
Sometimes it's so difficult to figure out how to proceed, start overanalyzing, catch yourself and then be like, 
"Okay, Hazel. Stop. STFU. Breathe." 
Stupid dichotomy. 

Um. Hi 16 year old self. Where did you come from? Isn't it past your bedtime?

Friday friday friday-->there'll be sun
Coffee speeds up time. 
Why has no one ever studied this effect? 
I mean, they look at jitters, they look at how it wakes you up, the effect it has on your brain's neurotransmitters and shit, 
But has anyone ever researched coffee's effect on time itself? Nooooooo. 
Pah. Scientists. 
Thinkin' they know it all. 

I'm looking at getting a second dog. 
Hank needs a buddy. 
Motivating the lil' bro to research colleges 
He says if I do so, 
He's moving out.

And I'm thinking....
How is this a bad thing?

I swear, as soon as it stops raining, I'll plant that rose bush.


Okay, maybe sooner. 
And I'll suck it up today and get those tomatoes in the ground. 
I'm sorry tomatoes, I know I've been slacking. 


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